Holiday/ Year End Contemplations

 The Holidays are usually a time you remember growing up as being this magical time of year. All of your friends and families' houses are all decorated with so many pretty lights and decorations. Going around looking at all the decorated houses. The smell of cookies baking in the kitchen all season. All the many wonderful smells and sounds. From all the laughter, the arguments when someone decides to bring up religion or politics (because there is ALWAYS that one person in the family or friend group that brings it up just to get someone wound up- it's like a holiday game). 

This year, the holidays look a little different for me. Actually, a lot different from the last 12 years. This Holiday, I'm back at home, watching my parents go through something that is terrifying and hard and wishing that I could take it all away and let them go back to their absolutely wonderful normal. While also thinking about how I am 2 plus hours away from 2 of the most important people in my life. My daughter and my person. 

I had a conversation with a friend the other day and they said, you know you go through and deal with so much. And I do. I always have. They say, God gives his hardest battles to his strongest warriors. And anyone that knows me, really knows me, knows that I am very strong and very stubborn. Put an obstacle in front of me and I'll get around it somehow. I may break on the way, but I'll get there.

To me, this year, the holidays are much different. I find myself not really thinking about the "gifts". Yeah, gifts are nice. But the memories, the quality time with those you love the most, that's the true gift. I find myself just praying and wishing that all of my family and our closest friends have happiness, and love in abundance. And that everyone is happy and healthy. 

I was asked last night what I wanted for Christmas and my answer was, you. There's so much to the answer of "you". What do I want for Christmas? I want to be "home". And when I say that I don't mean the home I was just speaking about. I mean the home that is not a place. 

You spend so many of your days and years looking in all the wrong places for someone to be with. You grow up seeing certain dynamics and relationships, and the ones that affect you the most are the ones that are going to inevitably going to shape what you look for in your relationships as you grow. Unfortunately for some of us, those relationships aren't the greatest and what we think growing up is normal and good and healthy, is really toxic and disgusting and that no one deserves that. 

Sometimes, it takes a complete stranger to come into your life, whether it be on the street, at your workplace, at the grocery store, the park, wherever that may be. That moment they appear in your life, you may not even know it, but I believe it is God or the Universe or however you want to put it, placing them there in your life to build a bond with them and to realize what you never knew your entire life. 

Something that you spent countless years, thinking you never deserved. This person comes into your life and at first, you slowly begin a friendship, but this person ends up being one of the easiest people in your life to talk to. Everything just clicks, you just get each other and can absolutely understand everything. This person, they show you things that no one has ever really seen about them. You get to know the real person deep down inside of them. You share things about your own insecurities with them and when you bring them up, suddenly you find out that those insecurities you talked about are some of the things this person likes about you the most. 

You begin to see your flaws and insecurities with different eyes. You realize, that for once in your life, you have someone there that actually cares about who you are as a person. The real you. And those walls, whether you want them to or not, whether you were looking or not, just start to tumble down. At some point, you may get a certain feeling deep down, when you look at them or talk to them or are just near them and you think to yourself, umm wtf was that.

For me, I was in a place where I was just trying to focus on my plan. I had a plan. And everything, so far, was going to plan. And then this person walked into my life. We started talking, then we made plans to hang out. And this person became one of the most important people in my life. Was I looking for it? Nope. Not one bit. I was just trying to survive at that point. But this person came into my life, and we clicked. We started hanging out, talking every single day. We realized we had a lot of similarities, in our personalities, and our home lives. This person very rapidly became my best friend. The person I would tell EVERYTHING to. 

I do not put my trust in people very easily. In fact, I do not trust most people. Especially with myself, my kid, and my car. And there's people that I would trust with myself but never trust with my kid or my car. Like, trust, is really hard for me. But this person, I trust with my life, my kid, and my car (I know the car part is weird to say but, if you knew me, you would know why I say it).

I guess I say all of this to say this. When you meet someone so different from everyone else that you have actively looked for and tried to make things work with in your life. You begin to wonder what you did to deserve to find someone so good. Well, maybe, just maybe, you've been through enough bad to realize that you deserve better. 

You deserve someone that is going to love you, all of you, unconditionally. Someone that sees the flaws and insecurities that you have and begins to break them down one by one and show you just how amazing and wonderful you truly are. You deserve someone that wants to protect you from all those people you used to seek out because they know that you deserve so much more than that. And that never wants to see you go through any of that pain and suffering again. Someone that would in a second, drop whatever they are doing and come to you if you need them. 

Someone that is willing to do whatever it takes just to see you smile and happy. Because happy looks good on you and they never want to be the reason why you're unhappy. Someone who loves you even in the times when you can't figure out how to love yourself. Someone that is willing to work at things every single day and to keep communicating with you and doing whatever is needed to keep that connection between the two of you because they know that you are their person. There will never be another you. Ever. Finding a person that realizes and sees what they have when they have you, is rare. Most people spend their lives figuring that out when it's too late. Finding someone that sees you, really sees you and appreciates and loves and cares for you, these days is rare.

To all those before, who didn't see who you were and didn't know what they had, thank you. Because of you, I get to experience the person you didn't see and appreciate and love. And to all those before for myself, thank you, for showing me all of the things I don't deserve and for not seeing me. For not wanting to see, ME. Because of you, I am stronger, I am wiser, and I know that I deserve better and because of you losing me, I've experienced more loving, caring, compassion, adventures, bucket list emptying, fun in just a couple years than I would have EVER experienced had I continued to just survive.  

The last year has been full of ups and downs. It's definitely been a packed year. Started off this year managing a store with my best friend, my person. And when I tell you my year started off right, I mean, it. Definitely not going into details on that.  My person went through some things, and I knew before then that I had an emotional connection with my person, but when a certain set of events happened, I broke down. And when my person called, there was NO hesitation, I was there. That moment, I think is when I knew that my person was someone I wanted to be in my life for a very long time. My person, my human diary, my home. Anyway, back to the year, after those events happened, I wasn't going to take no for an answer, and I moved my person into my house for 2 weeks. Within those 2 weeks, my person got to see just how my life was and see more into what I had been talking about. 

Fast forward through those rough 2 weeks to me leaving. Actually, we ended up leaving the exact same day (my person and I). It wasn't my "plan" to leave yet, because I didn't have a place yet for my kid and myself. But the events of that weekend, pushed my timeline up. I had a good job and an amazing team I worked with and my person. But I was now homeless. Because I chose myself over the shit, I was dealing with for so many years. And I don't know that I would have gotten to that point without the love and support of my family, my friends, and this person who had become such an important part of my life. 

At this point in my life, there was a lot of uncertainty and a lot of the unknown. I was now living in my car. With the best car neighbor ever. Many people were terrified that I was living in my car. Was it scary at times, yeah. But honestly, 99% of the time, I felt so safe. I felt at home. I had someone there that I could talk to about anything and everything. Someone that could see the change in my moods just by looking at me, someone that could even feel when I needed them to be there. At this point, if one of us was not around, we weren't far or gone for long. Everyone would see one of us and be like ok, where's the other one? Cuz we were always together. Truly my best friend. I couldn't imagine my life without my person in it now. I'd rather spend my life living and experiencing and adventuring through this life with my person than even a second of what I've lived before (aside from ya know, my kid and my family of course, but you know what I mean) And I know that this person would do anything to protect me and my family, as I would do for them. (I'll cut a bitch). 

After 5 months of working together and living in our cars together, we had to part ways, and be states apart. This part sucks. When you have someone that is so important to you, this person is your comfort. This person is my emotional support, my bodyguard, my best friend, my lover, my home, all wrapped up in one. Distance sucks. But I know this person is worth EVERY single mile in between us. I just wish they could see themselves, through my eyes somedays, so they could see just how amazing they truly are. Because I feel like they have this view of themselves from past people and relationships, and that's what they see. But I see them. I see who they really are, always have. I see YOU. 

Change is hard, unknowns are scary. But when you have the love and support of important people in your life, you can do anything. And you know that no matter what, they will be by your side and sometimes do things that are hard for both of you to make sure that you are safe and happy. Communication is key to everything. If you find people you can communicate with, that are willing to actually listen to the things you are saying, or even the things you can't say, that is great. Now with my family going through some of the hardest of the unknowns and change, I know that I am where I am needed right now. As much as I want to be close to my person, there's a reason I am here. 

There is a lot more that I want to say but the words are just not coming out right now. I think sometimes I definitely overthink a lot of things. From what I am writing, texting, or saying to people to conversations I haven't even had or situations that having even come up yet. I think sometimes, that keeps me from writing because I start thinking about well, what if I say this and whoever I am writing it to or for, thinks this and I meant that. Idk. Just a thought. Like I said, change is hard, and the unknowns are scary. But then again, change can be good, and those unknowns could be some of the best unknowns of your life. And some really bad ideas, can turn into some really great things. Oy, this is kind of all over the place. Sorry, I guess I just had a lot of stuff swimming around up in my head that actually needed to come out.