Posts

Holiday/ Year End Contemplations

 The Holidays are usually a time you remember growing up as being this magical time of year. All of your friends and families' houses are all decorated with so many pretty lights and decorations. Going around looking at all the decorated houses. The smell of cookies baking in the kitchen all season. All the many wonderful smells and sounds. From all the laughter, the arguments when someone decides to bring up religion or politics (because there is ALWAYS that one person in the family or friend group that brings it up just to get someone wound up- it's like a holiday game).  This year, the holidays look a little different for me. Actually, a lot different from the last 12 years. This Holiday, I'm back at home, watching my parents go through something that is terrifying and hard and wishing that I could take it all away and let them go back to their absolutely wonderful normal. While also thinking about how I am 2 plus hours away from 2 of the most important people in ...
1 comment
Read more

Home

  What is a home? All our lives, we're taught that a home is a house that we build a family in, put material things in and make our "home".  I am almost 40 years old, and it took me almost that long to realize that is all wrong. At least for me. Home isn't about having 4 walls and a roof or about the material possessions you put in those walls. It's about the people. If your life is surrounded by people who do not have any respect for you, do not cherish you as a person, do not understand you: you won't feel at home, no matter where you are. If you have people or a person in your life, that does these things, you can literally live in a box, a car, on the street and feel completely at home. For almost 40 years, I had never really felt at home in any of the places I had lived, aside from with my parents/immediate family and even then, sometimes I didn't feel at home and felt like an outsider. It took me so long to realize, my home isn't a house. I felt ...
Post a Comment
Read more

hmm

As I sit here, looking at a pile of clothes that I've procrastinated on hanging up or folding, I realized something. I haven't posted any updated blogs lately because I really haven't been able to wrap my head around a clear thought of what I wanted to write these days. There's a lot going on. Still trying to find a job, secured a lawyer, made another trip to get some stuff out of storage and spent some much-needed time with my favorite person. There's a lot of things I still need to get and a lot of things I still need to do. I'm trying to take things one day at a time and take care of myself and let myself deal with all of the emotions I have. Some of the dreams I have, I could definitely do without. Some of them, I want to make a reality ;-) Ive been considering a few different home business options, but I'm really not sure I want to go that route because it will require some investment and with the lawyer aspect of things, that may not be the best decisi...
Post a Comment
Read more

Depression is a bitch

 Depression is a bitch. Like a thief, it sneakily creeps up on you and smacks you like a giant brick wall to the face. I fucking hate it. I know that with everything I have going on in my life and everything I've been through over the years that I'm bound to have these days, and I do. Too many more times than I'd like or like to admit. I felt this one coming on though. Last night, I could feel it. Ive been trying to do things today to counteract it and find some sort of joy in something, like my painting but it hasnt helped. Its so easy to put on the brave fake face and pretend everything is great. And majority of the time, everyone can't see past it. But sometimes, you just want someone to see it, someone to hold you, while you break down. I know one person that would instantly see it, feel it and do just that. Someone that has been my constant friend, emotional support person, confidant and much more for 2 years. And it sucks because Im so far away now. There's so...
Post a Comment
Read more

Welcome to the chaos that is inside my brain.

  Life. Life is a crazy rollercoaster. It's full of experiences, emotions, struggles, accomplishments and many other things in between. My life has been nothing short of that. I honestly don't even know where I want to start with this blog, but I do know that I needed a place that I can get all of my thoughts and feelings out. So, welcome to the beginning of the ramblings from my brain. Buckle up, because it's going to be a bumpy ride. 
1 comment
Read more