Depression is a bitch

 Depression is a bitch. Like a thief, it sneakily creeps up on you and smacks you like a giant brick wall to the face. I fucking hate it. I know that with everything I have going on in my life and everything I've been through over the years that I'm bound to have these days, and I do. Too many more times than I'd like or like to admit. I felt this one coming on though. Last night, I could feel it. Ive been trying to do things today to counteract it and find some sort of joy in something, like my painting but it hasnt helped. Its so easy to put on the brave fake face and pretend everything is great. And majority of the time, everyone can't see past it. But sometimes, you just want someone to see it, someone to hold you, while you break down. I know one person that would instantly see it, feel it and do just that. Someone that has been my constant friend, emotional support person, confidant and much more for 2 years. And it sucks because Im so far away now. There's so many things I should/could be happy about and grateful for, and I am. But there's also the fact that my child wont even talk to me because her father has somehow convinced her that the more she sees me or talks to me, the less Im going to have to pay in child support and now she claims she hates me and always will. My heart is broken. Shattered. I want to fight. I want to get her back, but I dont know thay I have it in me anymore. I just dont know anymore. About anything. Im scared, I'm lost, and Im lonely. What I would give for one of those hugs that just make the entire world melt away for a little while. I was doing better, was able to eat, sleep, etc. And now Im back to nightmares, not being able to eat without it going right through me, and constantly on edge or on the verge of throwing up or tears. I dont even know why Im writing this right now, I guess just to try to get it out and not keep it inside. I guess, because some people say its better to let it out and not keep it in. But really, how is it helping? Its not changing anything in any part of the situation.